Kids are jerks....

Louis CK (http://www.louisck.net/) is one of our greatest philosophers. I'm beginning this post with a citation because it is Louis CK's philosophy that informs much of what I'm about to write and I don't want to be accused of intellectual dishonesty. I encourage the reader to become acquainted with his work, especially on the topic of parenthood.

At least half of the time, my children are jerks. Seriously. Take a look at how your children act and see if you can objectively disagree. They are self-centered and destructive. They're need-machines and offer nothing in return. When's the last time your child offered to help out with the electric bill? Have they even ONE TIME said, "Hey Mom? Why don't you let me get the tip?" They're free loaders and no one is calling them on it! Would it kill them to offer a compliment here or there? "Hey, Dad. Have you been cutting carbs? You look great!"

My two-year old is a good example of how kids are complete A-holes. This morning, round about 3:00 AM, he wakes up. That's all fine and nice, but instead of just getting himself a nice cup of milk and quietly reading, he started with the crying. Of course, after about twenty minutes, all that racket woke me up. So, there I stood in his doorway and know what? He had the audacity to smile at me. Worse still, he had crapped. I'm not kidding. He actually crapped in his own pants. Well, it was a diaper but you get the point. I changed his diaper and got him a cup of water before encouraging him to sleep a bit more (which he did not choose to do.). After all of that, the little cretin didn't even offer so much as a "Thanks, Dad." Ingrate.

A few weeks ago, the four-year old actually stooped to psychological/emotional abuse. No kidding! I had just ordered pizza for the whole family (Yes. I had to pay for it all out of my own pocket.). The four-year old asks:
"Daddy? Can I have a snack?"
"No, baby. Daddy just ordered pizza." Frankly, I resent that I have to even explain myself.
"But Daddy, I'm hungry." She stamped her foot to demonstrate how serious she was.
"Well, we're going to have food here shortly," I said. "You'll just have to be patient."
"Daddy! That makes me sad."
"I'm sorry you are feeling sad, but that doesn't change my position," I stood firm. "You'll just have to wait until the pizza gets here."

Let me take a break here, for a second. Prepare yourselves. Clear your mind for a moment. Some of you will not believe how she responded. Unfortunately, I was not surprised because I live with these rude little boors 24/7.

"Daddy, that makes me sad and if you make me sad, I won't love you anymore. I'll get a new daddy....who's a man."

I don't know which part of that should offend me the most; that she uses her love to levy snacks or the implicit notion that she doesn't recognize my manhood. I should probably reevaluate my parenting since my four-year old daughter considers it OK to emasculate me over a granola bar or a package of fruit snacks. Screw that! I shouldn't have to take this kind of treatment from anyone, let alone someone who's getting pizza on my dime!

I know what you're thinking. "They're only kids." I understand that they're only kids, but why should that mitigate their behavior? It's unfair. What if I treated the four-year old like she treated me? "If you don't clean your room, I won't love you anymore and I'll get a new daughter who's not a jerk." Yeah, that wouldn't float with most people. What if I showed up at your door at 3:00 AM crying with shit in my pants? I don't think it's likely that you would give me a glass of water and change my diaper, that's for sure. It's one of the great inequities that exist in our culture. If you're under eighteen, you just get to be a discourteous manipulator and suffer no consequences.

Starting now, I'm calling the little miscreants out. From now on, if my kids offend me, I'm gonna let them know. Gone are the days where I allow myself to be treated so discourteously; disrespected right to my face. To quote from Broadcast News, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" No sir!

Today is the day that I reclaim my dignity! Today is the day that we ALL must defeat the forces of our totalitarian children!

Vive les Parents!