stretching the 'ol legs...

Maude & Me
We stood just left of center in the cereal aisle arguing about the events of the previous evening. I told Maude that the red haired girl was merely asking where the restrooms were located. Maude insisted that the conversation was too lengthy and that I stood too close to the red haired girl. I said she was being paranoid and overbearing. She said I was being obtuse. We lowered our voices as a man with a basket passed. I touched Maude’s arm and whispered into her ear, “I don’t love you.” Maude’s sobbing sounded like stifled laughter.


Distinguo
We stood (as the floor was too dirty to sit) just left of center (to avoid impeding the passage of other shoppers) in the cereal aisle arguing (bickering perhaps, but not fighting) about the events of the previous evening (approximately 9:00pm, so ‘night’ may be more applicable). I told Maude (an uncharacteristic name considering her youth) that the red haired girl (Caitlyn, much more appropriate) was merely asking where the restrooms (the Ladies room, more specifically) were located. Maude insisted (quite vehemently) that the conversation was too lengthy (though really not more than five minutes) and that I stood (more dirty floors) too close (we weren’t touching, but her perfume was too subtle and too delicious for me to keep a distance) to the red haired girl (Caitlyn. Did I mention her name was Caitlyn?). I said she was being paranoid (it didn’t suit her) and overbearing (it didn’t suit me). She said I was being obtuse (whatever). We lowered our voices (not that they were raised, per se.) as a man with a basket passed (walked by, as opposed to ‘died’). I touched Maude’s arm (over her linen blouse) and whispered (it’s not the kind of thing you shout) into her ear (where else does one whisper?), “I don’t (though I wonder if I ever did) love you.” Maude’s sobbing (because ‘crying’ is generic, but ‘weeping’ is cliché) sounded like stifled (she covered her face) laughter (not that it could be mistaken for laughter given the circumstances).



Negation
We didn’t stand to the left of the cereal aisle nor were we arguing. I told Maude that the red haired girl wasn’t asking me where the restrooms were located. Maude insisted that the conversation wasn’t too lengthy or that I didn’t stand too close to the red haired girl. I said that she wasn’t being paranoid or overbearing. She said I wasn’t being obtuse. We did not lower our voices as a man without a basket passed. I by no means touched Maude’s arm and in no way whispered into her ear, “I love you.” Maude’s sobbing sounded like stifled laughter.



Danglers
[Lazy Macao]
We stood but left of center in the cereal aisle and bickered about the events of an earlier date. I told Maude that the red haired woman was after the location of the restrooms. Maude insisted that the conversation was too extensive and that I stood too close to the red haired woman. I said her behavior was unreasonable. She said the manner in which I acted was obtuse. We lowered our voices as a man with a basket moved onward. I touched Maude’s arm and murmured into her ear, “I am without love.” Maude sobbed and it sounded like stifled amusement.


Dictionary
The subjective case of the first person plural pronoun assumed an erect attitude on our feet toward the distinctive epithet of the hand which is normally the weaker of the two of the passage-way in a building that housed the containers of morning meal of or pertaining to corn or edible grain, bringing forward reasons concerning a matter in debate over the actual or contemplated facts of anything happening during the closing or declining period of the preceding day. The subjective case of the first person singular pronoun mentioned or named (a series of things) one after another in order to enumerate for Maude that the young or relatively young woman whose aggregate of hairs growing naturally on her head which appeared in various shades at the longer-wavelength end of the visible spectrum, next to orange and opposite to violet, was, without admixture or qualification, calling upon me for information as to the location of the lavatory in the public building or workplace. Maude dwelled at length or with emphasis on or upon that the interchange of thoughts and words was in excess of what ought to be, and that I remained erect on my feet in a specified place intolerably, in a position in which the intervening space is closed up between myself and the young or relatively young woman whose aggregate of hairs growing naturally on the head which appeared in various shades at the longer-wavelength end of the visible spectrum, next to orange and opposite to violet. The subjective case of the first person singular pronoun named or mentioned before that the female being in question, or last mentioned, was in a certain state or condition of delirium, dementia, or other disorder affecting the function of the mind characterized by a persistent delusional system on the theme of persecution, exaggerated personal importance, or sexual fantasy or jealousy, often as a manifestation of schizophrenia, as well as behaving in a manner that was imperious, domineering and bullying. The female being in question or last mentioned, named or mentioned before that the subjective case of the first person singular pronoun was in a certain state or condition of exhibiting dullness, stupidity or insensitivity. The subjective case of the first person plural pronoun caused or allowed to descend the sound produced by the vocal organs belonging to or associated with the speaker and one or more other people previously mentioned or easily identified, as an adult male human being in the possession, keeping, care, or charge of a vessel of wickerwork, made of plaited osiers, cane, rushes, bast, or other materials had gone past a specified point. The subjective case of the first person singular pronoun put the hand or finger, or some other part of the body, upon, or into contact with Maude’s upper limb, from the shoulder to the hand, so as to feel it and said or reported quietly or secretly to a point within the limits of the organ of hearing of the female being in question, “The subjective case of the first person singular pronoun no longer executes, administers, practices a great affection, fondness, or regard for the objective case of the second person singular pronoun.” Maude’s catching of the breath in a convulsive manner as the result of violent emotion, especially grief proclaimed or expressed by sound had the same characteristics or qualities of suppressed, or a choke in the utterance of a combination of bodily phenomena (spasmodic utterance of inarticulate sounds, facial distortion, shaking of the sides, etc.) which forms the instinctive expression of mirth or of sense of something ludicrous, and which can also be occasioned by certain physical sensations, especially that produced by tickling.







Self Referential
This is the first sentence of the story, in which the setting is established and the tone is set for the subsequent action. This is the second sentence where a more detailed description of action is first presented. In the third sentence, the reader is presented with an alternate perspective of the action referred to in the second sentence. The fourth sentence is short. Fifth is shorter. Inexplicably, a seemingly unrelated character, a red herring perhaps, enters and exits the narrative in the sixth sentence. The seventh sentence brings the story to its climax, presenting a ‘gotcha’ moment that is intended to give the reader pause; to inspire self-reflection. Finally, the last of eight sentences brings the story to completion with simile intended to sound artsy and profound, though it is just as likely that the reader will find it awkward and pretentious.



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Punchline
A man, a woman and a red haired girl, having been arrested, are standing before the judge. The judge puts down his basket and addresses the woman first.
Judge: And your name is?
Woman: Maude.
Judge: Why were you arrested?
Woman: I was blowing bubbles in the park.
Judge: What? That’s no crime. You are free to go.
The woman, seemingly surprised, leaves the courtroom in a hurry. The judge turns his attention to the red haired girl.
Judge: What’s your name, young lady?
Red haired girl: Caitlyn.
Judge: Why were you arrested?
Red haired girl: I was blowing bubbles in the park.
Judge: What are these officers thinking? You are free to go.
The red haired girl exits the courtroom and heads straight for the restrooms, leaving only the man.
Judge: Alright then, sir. What’s your name?
Man: Bubbles.






Algebra
1+{[((M+x)-1)/RhG]+x(M?L) }= (M-x)




Hyperbole
Among an endless spectrum of colorful characters, Maude and I engaged in an epic battle of wits.
“I had but performed my duty, as a man of honor and chivalry; in guiding a lost soul to her much needed respite,” I cried.
“You are a cad and a speaker of falsehoods,” was Maude’s rejoinder. “It was enough of an attack on my dignity that your discourse with the fiery coifed harlot carried on and on. But, you tore out my still beating heart and held it in front of my eyes with the vanishing space between you, whom I thought to be my one true love, and that interposing whore!”
“You must be mad with fever to believe such outlandish fantasy and, frankly, I find your accusations baseless, oppressive and tyrannical.”
“Oh, woe of woes. You are a heartless and callous rascal.”
Just then, a mysterious stranger shambled upon the two of us, guarding closely a bevy of treasures he’d collected along his way. His appearance was unremarkable, but in a most remarkable fashion. As he passed, I took hold of Maude and hissed to her, “You are nothing to me.”
Maude wailed and yowled. She wept the tears of a thousand broken hearts of a thousand women scorned.



Au Francais
We stood zhust left awv centair een zee seeahreel ahl airgeweeng about zee events awv zee prahveeiss ehv-ah-neeng. I toll Maude zat zee red hailed gehrl was merely asking wear zee rest rhooms wear located. Maude eenseested zat zee conversashee-own was too lengthee and zat I stood too cloze to zee red hailed gehrl. I zed she was being pehranoyd and ovairbehring. She zed I was being ahbtooz. We lowaird ow-air voycez as a man wiss a bazquet pahssed. I tosched Maude’s arem and whispaired into her ear, “I don love yoo.” Maude’s sahbbing sounded like stiffelled lafftair.



The Other
Phillip checked his reflection in the glass doors of the dairy case. His fly was up, not a hair on his head was out of place. He took a closer look at his nostrils. No dangling boogers. He turned to peak over his shoulder. No toilet paper remnants. “What the fuck was she laughing at?” he muttered.



Parataxis
Me and Maude.
Me and Maude and the cereal aisle.
Me and Maude and the red haired girl.
Me and the red haired girl and the conversation.
Me and Maude and the man with the basket.
Me and Maude.
Maude.
Me.




Brevity
I broke up with Maude in the grocery store today.