high resolutions...

Tomorrow is a new day; a new year; a new decade. I am looking forward to 2010 for many reasons. I'm confident that we'll see those flying cars we were promised back in the 80s, five course meals in pill form, and Star Trek phasers in every home. The economy will bounce back stronger than ever and -isms (I.e. racism, sexism, Cubism, Geo Prism, etc.) will be eliminated. The Cubs will win the World Series. A bright future, indeed.

I'll need to make some changes...well...I'll try to make some changes...OK...I can't promise I'll try...but I'll try to try...

...to quit smoking. This will be the twenty-sixth anniversary of my voyage to Marlboro country. Nearly every one of those 9,490 days has been filled with specially blended, mild tobacco wrapped in delicate paper and a generous helping of flavor in a smoke of surprising mildness.

...to be kind to my fellow man. Gonna be tough without the cigarettes.

...to write more. I've had a bit of an obsession with religion. Perhaps I should put it to use with a bit of satire. Someone's got to put that Jebus in his place.

...to get in better shape. Don't get me wrong, I'm in shape now. It's just that the shape is an ellipse. [Rim shot!]

...to be a better husband, friend, son and father. Not that I've been a bad one, but the people I love deserve an improvement.

...to audition for Jeopardy. I'm telling you, I think I'd do pretty well. I've got this cornucopia of useless knowledge in my head and it's got to pay dividends somehow. Even if I don't win, at least I'd get close to that Canadian sex machine, Alex Trebek.

...to learn Stevie Ray Vaughn's 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.' I've played guitar for almost as long as I've been smoking. In all that time, I've learned to play the first thirty seconds of 200 songs. It's time I expanded my musical horizons.

...to get a promotion. I learned recently that a couple religious zealots have characterized me as an "evil power." When I heard this, I was flattered. The truth is that I still have six years before I become an Evil Power. Right now, I'm just an Apprentice Minion. Then it's Incubus (1st and 2nd class), Archfiend and, finally, Malignant Spirit. I won't even be eligible for Evil Power until I've logged 75 hours of veniality. The good news is that I have only one more Christian to persecute and I'll be eligible for full benefits.

...to participate in more orgasms. I think it speaks for itself.

Wish me luck.

Happy New Year!

keeping the 'st' in christmas...

Each year, my family celebrates Christmas on December 24th. We drive out to the home of my brother and his wife, eat, play games, etc. The annual get-together is an event to which I look forward with great anticipation. I enjoy the family holiday parties because it gives me a chance to hang out with the people who are most important to me. With few exceptions, there is much joy and merryment. With few exceptions...

Last night, as we sat around the Christmas tree, my thirty-something niece attempted to capture the attention of my three year old daughter. Apparently, she was going to educate my daughter on the 'reason for the season.'

Niece: Do you know whose birthday we are celebrating?

Paul: Uh uh. We don't do that at our house.

Niece: What do you mean you don't do "that"?

Paul: We don't talk about the Jebus. It's not our thing.

Niece: Since when?

Paul: Umm, most of my adult life.

Niece: Well, what are doing here then?

Paul: Keeping the 'st' in Christmas.

Fortunately, she was distracted by something shiny so the discussion didn't become a yuletide theological debate which would likely have ended very badly. Later, on the drive home, I pondered her question. If I don't worship the Jebus, why do I celebrate Christmas?

As I mentioned, I enjoy the times when I can be with my whole family. We see each other only sparingly throughout the year. So, it's a treat when we are able. There's more to it, though. I enjoy many aspects of Christmas.

Unlike some, I get a kick out of wading through the throngs at the shopping centers. I like that nearly everyone salutes and responds with holiday greetings. The holiday brings with it many delicious goodies (My personal favorite is the peanut-butter cookie with a Hershey's Kiss in the center). It's the time of year where each of my children can be entirely content. Yep, there are myriad reasons for me to enjoy Christmas without the Christ.

Interestingly, my niece appeared marginally offended that I was celebrating Christmas but don't support or believe in the Jebus. It's not as if I objected to the tree or Nativity. I was merely informing her that asking my daughter such a question wouldn't receive a satisfactory response. My daughter doesn't know about the Jebus yet. When my daughter is older, I'll teach her about the Jebus, Ahab, Mohamed, King Lear, and other important fictional literary characters.

I suppose that I celebrate Christmas out of tradition and as long as there is no harm in it, I'll continue each year. I'd like to elaborate on the topic, but I have to get going. It's time to prepare the fruit for my family altar. Tet is right around the corner.

yarp! yarp! baow!...

There is no feeling in the emotional spectrum more wholly frustrating than powerlessness. When your circumstances don't allow for you to take action, when you must "take it on the chin," when you are left with no recourse; you can only sit and wait for an actionable moment. While there are folks out there that are perfectly happy to let life happen to them, my philosophy is that it is my duty to impact life. I believe we are each here to fire up an iron and leave a scar on life; make our mark; impress our brand so that all others see that we've been here.

Martin Heidegger is my home boy. Heidegger would argue that a being must make a choice (take action) in order to be an authentic being. It's not necessary that the choice be the right one, just that a choice is made. I aspire to authenticity, to include making good faith choices. Not just on a whim, I attempt to make carefully considered choices. What my home boy hasn't really discussed is situations where there is no choice available.

See? There's the catch. Rare as they are, some situations provide no choice for the authentic being to make. I find these situations frustrating beyond comprehension. Asking me to sit on my hands, as it were, would be tantamount to asking the Devil Beagle to wait patiently for the squirrel to cross the yard. I am pulling at my collar. There is no slack on my leash. I am howling and yarping and baying. But I am not breaking free and chasing the squirrel. I am being a good dog.

Which, I suppose, is a choice.

You never know...

How many new people do we come into contact with on a weekly basis? Five? Three? Hmm... How many people have we met in a lifetime? Hundreds? Thousands? Hmm...

One in five of them have cancer.

One in seven is black.

One in three is Republican.

One in three is a Democrat.

One in five hundred is a registered sex offender.

One in twenty has diabetes.

One in three is obese.

One in three hundred have AIDS.

One in four has an STD.

One in five is circumcized.

One in ten doesn't know the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

One in five didn't make their bed.

One in two drinks straight from the milk carton.

One in ten didn't have breakfast.

Nine in ten lie regularly.

One in thirty is gay.

One in three have pee'd in a swimming pool.

I sway back and forth with feelings of reverence and disdain for my fellow man. My faith is challenged when I consider many of the above. The other day, as I walked from class, I thought about the likelihood that I've been in contact, at some level of intimacy, with a murderer. If you think about stuff like that, you go a little crazy. Or is it crazier?

what do you think...

To whom it may concern,

I wonder what you think of me. For that matter, I wonder if you think of me at all. I think of you often enough, though I cannot imagine why. It's not as if we've met. Perhaps we have, in another life. I like to think of you sitting lonely in a dimly lit room on a comfortable chair or sofa, listening to melancholy music and contemplating the relationships you've never had with people you haven't met. You might discuss this with friends and family. They don't understand like I do. You feel the need to get to know someone whose very existence is in question. They ask, "But why do you even think about the existence or non-existence of this mystery person?" It's difficult to answer that question. Isn't it?

And for how many years have you felt this? This desire to discover. Twenty...thirty...nearly forty years? My, but that's a long time to ponder such a subject as existentialism. Only, it's not existentialism that you ponder. It's existence. Specifically, my existence. Well, fear not! I do exist. At least that mystery is solved. I am here. Not far away. In fact, I am well within reaching distance. The new question is: If I am here, but you have no empirical proof...Do I actually exist to you? Hmm...that's a tough one.

Frankly, your difficulty in this matter is your own doing. Had you made any real effort in discovering my existence, a relationship would have been much easier to form. Alas, you have made no effort. You are to blame. So, you are bound to sit in your chair or sofa, wondering, as I do, about what a person you don't know thinks of you. Or if he thinks of you at all.

Alone.