high resolutions...

Tomorrow is a new day; a new year; a new decade. I am looking forward to 2010 for many reasons. I'm confident that we'll see those flying cars we were promised back in the 80s, five course meals in pill form, and Star Trek phasers in every home. The economy will bounce back stronger than ever and -isms (I.e. racism, sexism, Cubism, Geo Prism, etc.) will be eliminated. The Cubs will win the World Series. A bright future, indeed.

I'll need to make some changes...well...I'll try to make some changes...OK...I can't promise I'll try...but I'll try to try...

...to quit smoking. This will be the twenty-sixth anniversary of my voyage to Marlboro country. Nearly every one of those 9,490 days has been filled with specially blended, mild tobacco wrapped in delicate paper and a generous helping of flavor in a smoke of surprising mildness.

...to be kind to my fellow man. Gonna be tough without the cigarettes.

...to write more. I've had a bit of an obsession with religion. Perhaps I should put it to use with a bit of satire. Someone's got to put that Jebus in his place.

...to get in better shape. Don't get me wrong, I'm in shape now. It's just that the shape is an ellipse. [Rim shot!]

...to be a better husband, friend, son and father. Not that I've been a bad one, but the people I love deserve an improvement.

...to audition for Jeopardy. I'm telling you, I think I'd do pretty well. I've got this cornucopia of useless knowledge in my head and it's got to pay dividends somehow. Even if I don't win, at least I'd get close to that Canadian sex machine, Alex Trebek.

...to learn Stevie Ray Vaughn's 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.' I've played guitar for almost as long as I've been smoking. In all that time, I've learned to play the first thirty seconds of 200 songs. It's time I expanded my musical horizons.

...to get a promotion. I learned recently that a couple religious zealots have characterized me as an "evil power." When I heard this, I was flattered. The truth is that I still have six years before I become an Evil Power. Right now, I'm just an Apprentice Minion. Then it's Incubus (1st and 2nd class), Archfiend and, finally, Malignant Spirit. I won't even be eligible for Evil Power until I've logged 75 hours of veniality. The good news is that I have only one more Christian to persecute and I'll be eligible for full benefits.

...to participate in more orgasms. I think it speaks for itself.

Wish me luck.

Happy New Year!