there are no atheists in the NICU: pt 2

In a previous post, I commented on my experience with the premature birth of my son. I explained that though I regarded myself as an atheist, the pressure of that day inspired me to pray. I posited that since I felt the need to pray, I must believe in God, at least in some manifestation. I've given it more thought...

What I experienced is not belief. Instead, I reached out to whomever could offer relief in a time where I felt utterly helpless. I could not control whether my son lived or died. Praying to a higher power absolved me of any responsibility and provided me great relief. I hadn't needed that kind of freedom before. So what does that say about me? What does it say about religion?

Obviously, it's nothing new. The idiom "There are no atheists in foxholes," goes back to at least World War II. I'd posit that in situations like mine, many atheists and agnostics have sought the comfort of God. Apologists would insist that this waffling is a sign of the hypocrisy of self-proclaimed nonbelievers. They would suggest that I was tested; shown just how much I need God. Christians would use this crisis as an example of how "God is in control." Even, perhaps, that the whole episode is proof of God's existence.

I think Colin McGinn really does a tidy job of explaining this phenomenon; that people seek God in these situations. He says:

"I think it's a sort of cosmic loneliness. I think that's what's behind it. It's hard for people to accept that we are alone, and that nobody cares."

It's really the whole basis for religion. Isn't it? People have the need for a cosmic big brother. We want to believe that in our most helpless situations, there is someone or something that will protect us; get us through these crises. In my case, I needed God to protect my son when I couldn't. But, if I'm to expect that God is powerful enough to protect my son, I have to ask a question. Who's responsible for endangering my son in the first place?

You see, therein lies the rub. Why was my son born four months early? That level of prematurity carries with it some fairly low odds of survival and equally high odds of short or long term suffering. If God is omnipotent, as we are told, then God is the author of everything. If it was a test of my faith, it seems awfully cruel to use an innocent newborn. If, on the other hand, God is kind of an absentee landlord who doesn't concern himself with the survival of one baby, we can assume that a prayer wouldn't affect the outcome one way or the other. There seems no solid logic to God's plan, at least if we propose that there is a plan.

I propose there is no plan. There is only we feeble humans. We who seek logic. When we can see no logic, we assign responsibility to God. When we see no logic in God, we attribute it to the idea that "It's all God's plan," and we couldn't possibly understand it. It's all very convenient. Too convenient to be true.