I received this letter via USPS yesterday. The postmark was June 1, 2009. I am at a loss for words...RE: MELVIN MAYNARD MELMON 267533987
We are sorry to inform you of the death of Mr.Melmon. He was found in his bunk this morning. It appears he died in his sleep. No foul play is suspected. Mr. Melmon had been recently diagnosed with heart disease.
Found clutched in his hand were several papers with your name. Mr. Melmon had recently updated his personal file to reflect you as his next of kin. We will be sending his belongings to you once you send us your address.
You may find missing among his belongings a map leading to the $48,000, which Mr. Melmon buried immediately prior to his capture. The map was discovered during the autopsy. Apparently Mr. Melmon has kept the map hidden in his rectum for the last 18 years. The F.B.I. has taken possession of that map.
We are enclosing a list of his belongings:
1 ½ containers of dental floss
2 pr. Jockey and 2 pr. Boxers (3 are clean)
1 pair of size 40 inch waist and 25 inch in length jeans
1 pair sneakers with Velcro that still sticks well.
3 ½ packs generic cigarettes
1 tee shirt with the name Gerald on it
A photo of his mother and brother, Marvin from their younger days.
143 pencils and 1 click pen (red ink) (he had been ordering pencils in large quantities recently)
1 coffee mug which has a picture of a pickup truck and the name “Sally”
5 ½ pairs of yellow socks
2 packs Juicy Fruit Gum
1 wallet which contained pictures of Perry Mason and $3.27
Also among his belongings were numerous books, which were returned to the library, where he worked as a janitor and was teaching himself to use a computer.
We extend our sympathy to you and your family for your loss. Please be aware that the package will arrive C.O.D.
Sincerely,
James Z. Froderick
Deputy Warden
Joliet Illinois State Penitentiary
A sad goodbye to my friend Melvin...many times his comments touched me... I think after reading Earl's daily post and making his comments... he may have even touched himself... So long Melvin!
ReplyDeleteIn mourning, I am
John Doe
Say it isn't so. Iwas just getting to know him. Sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteThat's too bad. He was real good in bed.
ReplyDeleteMelvin will always be remembered for his wit, plus the love and respect he has shown to my Earl.
ReplyDeleteDepending on the size, Mother Tesch would like his sneakers for a close friend.
Dear little Erin, please do not besmirch Melvin's good name with those personal details. To tell you the truth, I thought he mentioned something about your naked picture once...but said nothing of your abilities in the sack.....
RIP Melvin Melmon
RIP Melvin - I will miss your simple nature.
ReplyDeleteEarl I think you have an older half sibling that would wear that size of pants - so they would be of good use.
I agree with Mother Tesch, the Melvin I remember was not one to kiss and tell. Let's not speak ill of the dead. My only consolement today is that he is with Odell in heaven.
ReplyDeleteEarl, if you could please post the photo of Marvin and his family when you receive it, that would truly mean a lot to me.
I mean real good.
ReplyDeleteIt is obvious that you are still having fun, at Melvin's expense. I find it very cruel. Melvin became Earl's third best friend and I know he will cherish his memory forever. Even as he read the letter from the warden, his nose was running.
ReplyDeleteHave a little heart for your fellow man. Particularly, after they have croaked.
No more of this mutsy putsy talk with regard to Melvin. Can't a man die in peace!
ReplyDeletey'all shoulda seen the schwantz on 'im!
ReplyDeleteI shall have to communicate with the Goat to inform him of your infidelity. He probably has a perfectly adequate penis.
ReplyDeletePlease refrain from further comments regarding the dearly departed Melvin M. Melmon
Erin, sometimes I am shocked at your complete and total disrespect for mankind. I do believe I may have to boycott your writings, leaving you with a mere 2563 readers.